Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why do I keep dating emotionally unavailable men?” NGL, I’ve been there too—and believe me, asking that question is actually a good thing. I’ll explain why in a bit.
If you’re ready to break this pattern and start attracting emotionally available partners, you’re in the right place.
My hope is that this post will give you the insights you need to break the cycle. It’s time to create the relationship you deserve.
But before we dive in, let’s clarify what emotional availability really means. According to Dr. Charlynn Ruan, PhD,
“An emotionally unavailable person cannot or will not consistently connect with another person through deep conversation.”
While I agree with this definition, I also believe emotional availability isn’t always black and white. I believe it exists on a continuum.
→ If you want to dive deeper you can check out my post What is Emotional Intelligence in a Relationship HERE!
Some people may show signs of availability in certain areas while struggling in others. Understanding these nuances is key!
Recognizing where a potential partner truly stands and how it aligns with what you’re seeking.
The Role of the Subconscious Mind in Dating
That age-old question, “Why do I keep dating emotionally unavailable men?” often has its answer buried deep in the subconscious mind.
The subconscious mind is like an iceberg—what’s beneath the surface is vast and deeply ingrained, so much so that we’re often unaware of its influence.
Subconscious beliefs about love and relationships are incredibly powerful, shaped by:
- Caregivers and parents’ beliefs
- Society
- Culture
- Religion
These influences quietly shape our choices. Dr. Bruce Lipton states that 95% of our thoughts are subconscious, which likely explains why certain patterns, like dating emotionally unavailable men, keep repeating.
It’s important to remember that not everything is within our control. Some people’s behaviors are beyond comprehension.
This process isn’t about blame; it’s about recognizing your own patterns and not taking responsibility for someone else’s actions.
These subconscious influences can play out in relationships without us even realizing it. After a recent breakup, I noticed my then partner mirrored certain aspects of a family member. Familiar patterns were drawing me toward what felt comfortable.
This wasn’t about blaming myself but understanding how childhood dynamics had played out into my adult relationships. By making this connection, I became more aware of the subconscious patterns that had shaped my choices.
Are You Emotionally Available?
While we often focus on emotionally unavailable partners, it’s just as important to ask ourselves: Am I showing up emotionally unavailable, too?
Subconscious patterns can affect not only who we attract but also how we behave in relationships.
If we’re closed off, avoiding vulnerability, or not fully present, we might unknowingly be contributing to the disconnect. Recognizing this can help us break the cycle and build healthier, more aligned connections.
As my spiritual teacher says, healing is like peeling back the layers of an onion. The more we work on ourselves, the more layers we uncover, exposing deeper beliefs we weren’t aware of.
Sometimes, these beliefs stay hidden until we’re ready to face them.
Once those layers are peeled away, we can begin to heal and shift our subconscious patterns.
Journal Prompts
| Think about your last few relationships. – What common traits did your partners share, especially when it came to emotional availability? |
| Consider your childhood and early experiences with love. – How might these experiences have shaped your expectations and patterns in relationships today? |
| Reflect on your beliefs about love and relationships. – How do these beliefs show up in your relationships? – Can you see a connection between what you believe about love & how you’ve experienced it? |
How to Manifest a Healthy Relationship
Awareness is the first step in manifesting a healthy relationship. To attract the relationship that aligns with you, it’s essential to acknowledge and start working through unresolved issues from the past.
When we jump from one relationship to the next or rebound without reflecting, we miss the opportunity to understand what worked and what didn’t. Without that reflection, the same patterns will keep showing up in future relationships, just with different people.
You don’t need to be fully healed before entering a relationship—none of us are. But unaddressed emotional wounds can sneak into new relationships, making it harder to create the connection we truly want.
When we avoid healing, we risk projecting that pain onto our partner. In the right relationship, both people support each other’s healing journey, creating space for healthier, more aligned connections.
The right partner will have the openness and capacity to hold space for healing. Together, you’ll be able to grow and unpack what you’re carrying.
By embracing this inner work, even as a continuous process, we elevate our energy and open ourselves to the relationships that truly align with us.
The Power of Language in Manifesting Love
The language we use profoundly impacts what we attract into our lives. People often say things like,
“There are no good men left.”
When we continuously reinforce these thoughts, it’s no surprise that this is exactly what we see and attract.
Think of it like this…
… If you decide you want a red sports car, suddenly, you’ll start noticing red sports cars everywhere. It’s not that they weren’t there before. It’s that your focus has shifted, and now you’re tuned in to seeing them.
Same with relationships. When we focus on what’s lacking or negative in relationships, our minds are programmed to find and ultimately attract that same negativity.
Now, let’s flip the script. If I were to say,
“Healthy, emotionally available men are everywhere,”
what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Do you agree, or does your inner voice say, “Yeah, right”?
If you don’t agree, I challenge you to question those thoughts.
- Is it really true?
- Do you genuinely believe that?
- Out of billions of men on this planet, there isn’t at least one who is healthy and emotionally available?
“You will always find what you are looking for.”
– Micheal Beckwith
Whether it’s red sports cars or emotionally unavailable men, whatever you focus on becomes your reality.
The point I’m trying to make: your language and beliefs help shape what you attract.
Manifesting the love you deserve starts with awareness. Becoming conscious of your patterns, old wounds, and the way you talk to yourself.
You’re already moving toward a more fulfilling and aligned connection. When you recognize the subconscious beliefs that have shaped your past, work through unresolved emotions, and shift your mindset.
Healing is a journey, not a destination. You don’t have to be fully healed to find love. However by committing to your own growth, you open yourself to partners who are willing to grow and heal alongside you.
Agree? Disagree? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below!
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