One of the hardest parts of a breakup is watching your ex seem to “move on”. It leaves you asking: “Why did he move on so fast?” The answer often lies in attachment styles and how different people process relationships.
Before we dive in, I want to be transparent: I’m not a certified expert in attachment theory. Having learned about attachment styles from Thais Gibson’s Personal Development School. I’ve gained valuable insight into attachment styles and how they impact relationships.
As someone who transformed from being anxiously attached to securely attached, I’ve used this knowledge to understand my own patterns—and I hope it helps you, too.
Not every breakup stems from attachment styles or unresolved issues; sometimes, relationships simply don’t work out.
This might be due to partners growing apart or the natural course of things, and at times, it can even involve conscious uncoupling.
While attachment styles provide valuable insights into how individuals deal with breakups, it’s equally important to recognize that not every ending has a deeper explanation.
How Attachment Styles Impact Breakup Behavior
Attachment styles play a significant role in how people navigate breakups. If you’re asking, “Why did he move on so fast?” it’s worth exploring how different attachment styles cope with emotional loss.
Let’s break it down:
Dismissive Avoidants
Dismissive Avoidants (DA) often prioritize emotional independence and distance.
When faced with a breakup, they’re more likely to suppress their feelings and focus on external distractions like work, hobbies, or even new relationships.
According to Thais Gibson, DAs tend to avoid vulnerability and connection because it feels unsafe.
Rebounds or emotional detachment allow them to bypass the discomfort of processing their emotions. While this may appear like they’ve “moved on,” it’s often a defense mechanism rather than genuine healing.
Fearful Avoidants
Fearful Avoidants (FA) experience a push-pull dynamic in relationships—they crave intimacy but fear vulnerability.
When leaning more avoidant, they may also avoid processing their emotions by distracting themselves, much like DA’s.This might involve rebounding, abruptly cutting off communication, or quickly returning to dating apps for validation.
However, when leaning more anxious, FAs can find themselves stuck in a loop of longing for the relationship while at the same time fearing it.
Thais Gibson explains this back-and-forth behavior comes from unresolved pain from childhood or past relationships, which creates a struggle between wanting closeness and needing independence.
Anxiously Attached
Anxiously Attached (AA) individuals tend to have the hardest time letting go after a breakup. They often struggle with feelings of abandonment and self-doubt, which can lead them to fixate on their ex and the relationship.
Unlike DAs or FAs, anxiously attached individuals are less likely to rebound quickly.
Instead, they may:
- Obsess over why the relationship ended.
- Check their ex’s social media frequently.
- Try to reconnect or “win back” their ex.
The deep fear of rejection and the desire for validation drive this behavior. These actions often delay the healing process and can make it harder for them to move forward.
Securely Attached
Securely Attached (SA) people process breakups differently. They can acknowledge the pain of the loss while simultaneously working toward closure and healing.
This doesn’t mean they don’t grieve; rather, they approach the breakup with balance and self-compassion.
Securely attached individuals are unlikely to engage in rebound relationships. Instead, they focus on emotional processing and moving forward authentically.
Their ability to regulate their emotions often makes it seem like they’ve “moved on quickly,” but this is a result of healthy coping, not avoidance.
Thinking about getting back with your ex? Read my blog post HERE on the key signs it might be worth another try to help you decide.
Looking to deepen your understanding of love and attract meaningful relationships? Check out this program for practical tools to help you build stronger connections and navigate relationships with clarity.
Compatibility vs. Fulfillment
Some attachment styles may appear more “compatible” on the surface because they don’t trigger each other’s core wounds as intensely. These dynamics can feel stable or easier to navigate, but they often lack the emotional depth for a truly fulfilling relationship.
For example:
- In some pairings, partners may subconsciously avoid vulnerability and emotional closeness thinking it’s easier to keep the peace rather than risk conflict or rejection.
While this can create the appearance of stability, it often comes at the cost of deeper intimacy and inauthenticity.
When wounds are not triggered, the relationship may feel “safe”. This safety can sometimes reinforce patterns of avoidance rather than encouraging personal growth and healing.
Compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is fulfilling. It can sometimes mean the emotional challenges that lead to growth are being avoided altogether.
And that’s why it may sometimes look like your ex has moved on quickly and the new relationship appears “glossy” on the outside.
However, the relationship may lack the substance needed for long-term growth and connection without addressing their deeper emotional wounds.
What It Really Means When It Looks Like Your Ex Moved On Fast
If it seems like your ex moved on quickly, chances are they didn’t truly move on in the way it might appear. Emotional healing and personal growth take time, and deep changes don’t happen overnight.
In many cases, what you’re seeing isn’t real closure or growth—it’s avoidance.
-@anempoweredqueen
For someone with an insecure attachment style, especially an avoidant -leaning one. Distracting themselves through a rebound relationship, excessive work, or social activities may be their way of avoiding the feelings they don’t want to confront.
This avoidance doesn’t mean they’re happier or healthier; it often just means they’re postponing their healing process.
True healing requires facing emotions, reflecting on the relationship, and addressing unresolved wounds. Without doing this work, the same patterns will likely repeat in their new relationships.
The Securely Attached Perspective
A securely attached individual or someone who is leaning secure offers a different kind of compatibility. One that supports both emotional safety and personal growth.
A secure partner provides a safe space for vulnerability. Encouraging their partner to address their fears and grow within the relationship. They create an environment where open communication and trust can thrive.
However, this dynamic can also be triggering for someone with an insecure attachment style because it exposes their unresolved wounds, especially for those who aren’t willing to do the inner work.
From personal experience, I once dated a man with avoidant tendencies. During one phone call, he spoke about how much he enjoyed our relationship, only to end things moments later with a vague excuse that left me blindsided.
At the time, it was confusing and painful, but as I processed what had happened, I realized that either…
a) He was excellent at pretending that our relationship really meant something to him or
b) I had triggered some of his core wounds.
Instead of sitting with the discomfort, reflecting on his feelings, and working through them, he chose the easier path —abruptly ending things.
This experience gave me valuable insight into how unresolved wounds can shape behaviors, especially in those with insecure attachment styles.
When these core wounds are triggered, the default response is often avoidance or withdrawal, even at the expense of meaningful connection.
As someone who is now securely attached, I have experienced moments when my core wounds have been activated. The difference now is that those moments show up far less, with much less intensity, and I’m able to navigate through them quicker.
Instead of letting fear or anxiety take over, I’ve learned to pause, reflect, and lean into those moments rather than ignoring them.
Being securely attached doesn’t mean being free from triggers. It means recognizing them and having the tools to work through them with clarity and compassion.
A relationship can be a healing and safe space for two people to allow healthy love to thrive. This only works if both people are willing to show up, stay committed, and take responsibility for their own growth.
Conclusion
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own behaviors. Trauma may help explain why someone acts in a hurtful way, but it does not excuse it. True growth begins when we take accountability for our actions and choose to address the wounds that shape them.
Doing the inner work is not always easy—it requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to face discomfort.
But it’s through this process that we create the foundation for meaningful connections and healthy love. Relationships built on self-awareness and mutual effort are not only more fulfilling but also allow both partners to thrive individually and together.