Deciding when to get back with an ex isn’t easy—it’s a choice that deserves careful thought and honesty. Can you get back with an ex and make it work? Maybe, but only if there’s real change on both sides and it goes beyond words or promises.
After a breakup, we often have time to reflect on what didn’t work, but the real question is, what’s different now? Relationships don’t thrive on second chances alone; they need growth, consistency, and actions that align with intentions.
Before stepping back in, it’s essential to know what to look for—what’s shifted in both people and whether the necessary work has been done to avoid repeating the past.
In this post, I’ll dive into what it means to approach reconnection with a clear mind and open heart. We’ll look at the signs of genuine growth and the key indicators that can help you decide if reconnecting with an ex is the right choice.
These are my own opinions but, ultimately, only you can determine if getting back together is a positive step forward or a path that is better left behind.
Understanding What Attracted You to Your Ex
When considering when to get back with an ex, the first step is taking a clear look at why things ended in the first place.
Sometimes, breakups happen abruptly, leaving us feeling blindsided and wondering what went wrong. In my experience with a past partner, this sudden end often looked like it had everything to do with the other person, yet it made me question why I attracted that connection in the first place.
Reflecting on this can be uncomfortable—who really wants to take a hard look at themselves? But it’s necessary and valuable.
Through self-reflection, I realized I subconsciously drew in this pattern through my past core beliefs, ones I hadn’t fully acknowledged or challenged. This awareness became part of my healing journey.
Before considering reconnecting, it’s essential to recognize if both of you are addressing these underlying patterns, knowing we’re only responsible for our part.
Without that growth or insight, getting back together could just lead to the same issues resurfacing.
| Journal Prompts to Gain Clarity |
| What were the primary reasons the relationship ended, and have those issues genuinely changed or been resolved? |
| How have I grown or changed since the breakup, and what personal boundaries have I established that I want to maintain? |
| Am I motivated to reconnect because of love, comfort, loneliness, or another reason? |
Why Self-Growth & Healing Matter Before Reconnecting
It’s natural to wonder when to get back with an ex—if it’s even worth it. But here’s the truth: no relationship stands a chance without personal growth first.
After a breakup, I believe in taking time apart to heal and work through the emotions and feelings that surface. And while it might be an unpopular opinion, I’ve found that no contact for a while really does help with the healing journey.
A boundary I’ve set for myself is not remaining friends with an ex—at least not right away. For me, maintaining distance is essential.
It helps me stay focused on my own needs, gives me space to process, and keeps me from getting pulled back into patterns that didn’t work.
True healing requires space and self-reflection. Without it, moving forward fully can be difficult.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends in the future, but it’s important that enough time has passed for both individuals to genuinely reflect, grow, and come back together with fresh perspectives if that is the path you choose.
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Assessing If Real Change Has Happened
When considering can you get back with an ex in a healthy way, it’s essential to look beyond words and intentions. Real change shows up in actions—and it’s consistent. People can say they’ve changed, but without steady effort over time, those words don’t mean much.
When I was in the process of reconnecting with someone from my past, I noticed he’d taken steps toward self-awareness, including starting therapy to understand his own patterns.
That was a promising start, but the real measure was whether he could turn what he was learning into meaningful action.
Before even considering reconnecting, I took time to reflect deeply because I believe people can change. I’ve seen this growth in myself.
We had open conversations about what hadn’t worked, why things ended abruptly, and what would need to be different moving forward.
I wanted to see that he could self-regulate when feeling overwhelmed and that he was taking concrete steps to handle those emotions differently instead of letting them lead to sudden decisions.
For me, it wasn’t just about his words but about seeing consistent, steady efforts that aligned with real growth. I value genuine communication and a mutual willingness to grow, both individually and together.
To stay grounded, I set a personal deadline for myself—a timeframe to observe this progress without feeling pressured. While change does take time, waiting indefinitely for signs of growth can drain you.
Throughout this process, checking in with myself was key. I made it a priority to stay in touch with my feelings and to make sure that reconnecting aligned with my own needs and values.
Finding Clarity and Growth in Letting Go
Sometimes, despite genuine effort, relationships naturally fall away. Realistically, some people don’t have the capacity or willingness to meet you in the middle.
While we can’t control others, we do have control over our own choices. If the way someone loves doesn’t align with what we truly need, then it’s up to us to step away.
Choosing not to participate in a dynamic that isn’t fulfilling is an act of self-love—it’s about honoring yourself and the kind of love you know you deserve.
Even if you weren’t the one to end things, every relationship holds valuable lessons. Regardless of how it ends, each connection brings gifts for our growth.
And even though my second chance relationship didn’t last, it was far from a waste of time.
It reminded me that a strong relationship requires both people to make a conscious choice to show up and commit to their own healing, creating a foundation where true growth can happen together.
To this day I still don’t feel regrets and hold no resentment; instead, I have compassion and respect for where he is on his journey.
Ultimately, we each are responsible to grow in the ways that we feel called to and I’m choosing to honor mine with confidence and self-worth.
